(18) home alone

Home alone for a week. Less than that really, since I’m going to visit family this weekend. I can’t stop thinking about next year though: Away from him for a whole year. My soul trembles at the thought. And yet I can’t stop thinking about it.

There are benefits, of course. I play my music loudly, whirl around the house in a frenzy of cleaning, I eat when I want, no need to consider another’s needs. I crawl into bed (alone) when I am tired and I know I’ll sleep alone, so I don’t try to wait up, awake. I can do whatever I want.

That is the liberty that I traded in for marriage. And I have grown warm and comfortable and feel safe inside of this marriage, despite the challenges. The liberty to just be me is fun, but the thought keeps flickering through my mind: What will next year feel like? However will we cultivate marriage oceans apart?

One day at a time right? I’m going home tomorrow, to my parents’ home, and Tuesday night we’ll be back together again, in this home where we have laid the first bricks of our marriage. Then we still have a few months together before the year begins. And all will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well (Julian of Norwich).

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