how will I know when I’m enough
when I’ve done enough
when I’ve accomplished enough
I’m living in a waiting room
and trying oh so hard
to do that right thing
to be that right girl
and I see that this is my trance
but I don’t know how to live through it
and then I hear from the outside
“just do one more thing”
just one more good thing
and I try to think about what I could do
or how to fit it in
and I feel oh so full of one-more-things already
and yet so empty
some part of this is just not working for me
I think I’m doing everything I can
it doesn’t seem to make a difference anyway.
what if I can’t do “just one more thing”
what if I already am living in a to-do list as long as my body?
how does the rain know when it has rained enough?
who closes the floodgates
and tells the rain to pause
what is the link between “enough”
do I long for intimacy, for hope, for healing, for things-made-new
because there isn’t already enough of all that
or because I’ve tasted just enough to make me long for more?
and what does it mean when we say
that Christ is already enough
and when He says that his burden
I do not know what this means
or really how to live it out
although I have seen some examples
but I don’t know how they do it
and sometimes I am ready to give up.
which, of course, I won’t.
give up, that is
and I am sure that this is all part of
learning to live in the gray space
which, I’ve been told, is part of my current life work
but the gray space feels very unsafe
when dealing with big stuff like
salvation and eternity and
Living Life Really Well
this is not easy for me
I feel unsteady and tired and
but maybe it will help me to remember the rain
it knows when to start and stop
it understands enough
it understands that enough is sometimes
or a drought
but that is still enough
which doesn’t make sense
but still might be true
and maybe since the rain and I share
the same Maker
I also know more about
when to start
when to stop
and being enough
than I think I do.
I don’t know.
It’s just an idea.
(I decided to turn off comments for this post, but feel free to contact me personally with your thoughts or responses. thanks for reading/walking with me.)