When I’m not who I thought I was…

write this down:

what you thought was normal was actually your ideal

your real self is not your ideal self

do you know how I know this?

I notice now and I’ve noticed before

I’m always sorry for being late

and I’m late a lot

maybe 70% of the time? Hard to calculate

but still, it’s a lot.

Which is strange considering what I believe about lateness

that it show disrespect

lack of care or concern for another’s time

lack of organization

all things I value

deeply.

yet

I’m late a lot

and it isn’t because I don’t care about your time

or I don’t respect you

or anything like that

and if you’re late, I won’t hold it against you

at least not very much

or very long.

Also, I am messy.

I mean, I’m capable of great organization

and I love organization

almost as much as I love…

well it’s hard to compare

but I really love it.

and I think maybe I love it a little bit

because it looks like control

i expect that when all your papers are filed properly

you must be super on top of things

i assume that at some point

in the not-too-far-off future

I’ll have it figured out too and then

of course

my desk will be tidy

all. the. time.

And also, good people have tidy homes

which is why I respect her so much because

she never lets the dishes overtake the kitchen

like I do.

All of this really makes me wonder

Who the hell I am?

And what kind of person am I, anyway?

And I’m not upset about all these revelations

because we all know by now

that if anything is really good, it’s this sort of

frank truth-telling

even if that means kind of

standing in front of the mirror naked for a second

and realizing you weren’t ever really

who you thought you were anyway

and that’s pretty much okay.

So

there it is.

not terribly tidy

not terribly punctual

what I thought was normal might actually be ideal.

Goodness,

what other revelations could next week hold?

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