(2) let go

I had stopped praying for the miracle. I realized this while telling the story to my sister today. In the midst of all the learning related to health and disease for the course, I was also learning about control. That could be a topic for a wholly other writing moment. The short of it is, though, that while I want to control everything, I really control only very few things. And the truth is that, any control I appear to have is just that: the appearance of control. In the context of the course, the lesson was this: I could eat an organic vegan diet and exercise 4 times a day and still die of some terrible disease. And my precious man could continue smoking 20 cigarettes every 24 hours for forever and I still might have the blessing of living beside him until we are 90.

So I had stopped praying for the miracle.

But he was home sick and my heart was so heavy and I sat beside him on the couch and all of a sudden, there were tears. I just want to be honest, I’m not trying to nag, I just don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to see you suffer, I know I’m selfish, but I don’t want to spend my days beside your hospital bed, watching you gasp for air, I just love love love you, I can’t bear the thought of going on without you.

He was compassionate. He listened, as always. And said that maybe he would just try to quit while he was sick. I reassured him again that I wasn’t pushing, I wasn’t nagging, whatever he wanted…and I didn’t expect much.

Eleven and a half days later. He has smoked only 5 cigarettes. He bought a pack and then gave it away. He didn’t want it. He doesn’t want it. Oh my God, this is the miracle I had stopped praying for.

Please let me learn to let go and let You do Your thing. It is just so much better that way.