It’s barely 9 p.m. and I’m tired. It sounds terrible to say, but I’m ready for today to be over and for tomorrow to begin.
Why the lethargy?
Maybe I’m tired because it’s Saturday, the end of my work week. And today was busy, steadily full of one task after another, one request after another, one miniature conversation after another. I left several tasks unfinished, or finished sloppily, which is unusual for me, but I reviewed my morning carefully in my head as I left and I am pretty sure I only stopped working for about 20 minutes to eat some lunch and I hardly touched my phone.
Maybe I’m tired because I’m endlessly critical of everyone. Phew, that’s a broad sweeping statement! I noticed today at work though that I have extremely low tolerance for other people’s mistakes. I say nice things all the time like, “everyone makes mistakes.” But I guess I must not really mean that because I’m deeply critical when someone messes up on something they should know. To keep it fair, I am just as critical with myself, which is maybe why I feel justified holding others to my own rigid standard. It sounds wretched, doesn’t it? Maybe if I lived with more grace I would be less tired.
Maybe I’m tired because of a 6-ounce glass of wine I drank with dinner. I’ve been drinking more often. It seems like a steady increase since I moved here, partly because I’ve simply been exposed to more wine culture working adjacent the wine bar. And I love the flavors and smells of wine. And of course I love the way my anxieties quietly nod off to sleep in the soothing rush of alcohol. I told Zack I may have a propensity toward substance abuse because of my high-anxiety personality and a distant family history of alcoholism. I told him because I wanted accountability, to be reasonable, to not go too far. Kate told me once, “Do not medicate your anxiety with alcohol.” She knows what alcoholism can do to people. So far it’s just a glass several nights a week. Maybe let it stop there, dear.
Maybe I’m tired because I am caught in a battle between wanting to be productive and not wanting to do anything and sleep is an easy compromise. Maybe I would do well to be more thankful for these moments I’m living. Maybe it would help if I broke my to-do list down into smaller tasks, instead of big, vague ones like, “start going through boxes in the garage” or “finish touch-up painting” or “work on Christmas projects.” Maybe I should eat ice cream…oh, I did that already and it’s all gone. Maybe I’m tired because it has been a big, long week with all sorts of election drama, in the big world and in my little world.
I’m ready for tomorrow but what promise of being different does tomorrow hold? Won’t it come with enough troubles of its own? It’s Veteran’s Day, so there will be no lack of difficult conversations to have and thoughts to think. It’ll just be another 24 hours during which I’ll only be able to do so much. Still, it’s a fresh day. And I’ll get to sleep between now and then which sounds sweetly appealing right now. So shall I say thank you for this day and then let it go and sleep my way into tomorrow?
walking forward. 